Am I Drinking Too Much? 5 Signs Your 'Unwinding' Has Become a Problem
You're having a glass of wine while cooking dinner. Maybe two. Or three if it's been a particularly brutal day. It helps you shift gears from work mode to home mode. It quiets the constant mental chatter. It's how you relax.
Everyone drinks. Your coworkers joke about "beer o'clock." Your manager has a fully stocked bar cart visible on Zoom calls. The tech industry runs on craft IPAs and whiskey tastings.
So when does "normal" become a problem?
Here's what I learned after 20 years in recovery and now working with professionals who are asking themselves this exact question: you're already asking because something feels off.
People who don't have a problem with alcohol don't spend time wondering if they have a problem with alcohol.
The High-Functioning Trap
To everyone else, you have it together. You meet deadlines. You show up. You pay your bills. You're succeeding by every external measure.
But you know the truth.
You're using more than you want to. You've tried cutting back, setting rules like "only on weekends" or "only after 8pm" or "only two drinks." The rules don't stick. You break them and tell yourself it doesn't count because [insert reason]. You'll start again Monday. You'll be better next week. You've got this under control.
Except you don't. And the gap between how you appear and how you feel is exhausting.
Why "Just Stop" Doesn't Work
Here's what most people don't understand about substance use: you're not drinking because you lack willpower. You're drinking because your nervous system is dysregulated and alcohol is the most efficient tool you've found to change how you feel.
Alcohol works. That's the problem.
It quiets anxiety. It shuts off the rumination. It softens the edges of stress. It helps you disconnect from the constant pressure. Your brain learns: feeling overwhelmed → drink → feel better. The pattern gets wired in.
So when you try to "just stop," you're left with the dysregulated nervous system and no tool to manage it. The anxiety comes back. The rumination intensifies. The stress feels intolerable.
Of course you drink again.
This isn't about weakness. It's about your brain doing exactly what brains do—seeking relief from an overwhelming internal state.
5 Signs Your Unwinding Has Become a Problem
1. You're Thinking About It More Than You Used To
What this looks like:
Planning your day around when you can drink
Calculating how much you can drink and still function the next day
Feeling relieved when you know you'll be able to drink later
Anxious if you might not be able to drink (social event, early meeting tomorrow)
You don't think about things that aren't problems. If you're spending mental energy managing your relationship with alcohol, that's data.
2. Your Rules Keep Changing (And Breaking)
What this looks like:
"Only wine" becomes "wine or beer"
"Only after work" becomes "one drink at lunch is fine"
"Only two drinks" becomes "two drinks plus whatever's left in the bottle"
Monday's fresh start becomes Wednesday, then next Monday
People without a problem don't need elaborate rule systems to manage their drinking. The rules themselves—and the constant revision of them—are the red flag.
3. You're Hiding How Much You Actually Drink
What this looks like:
Pouring drinks when your partner isn't looking
Having a few before you meet up with people
Keeping bottles in places where others won't find them
Underreporting when someone asks how much you drink
Feeling relief when you can drink alone
The hiding is the tell. Not because you're ashamed of something normal, but because you know it's not normal and you don't want others to see.
4. It's Affecting Things You Care About (Even If Subtly)
What this looks like:
Foggy thinking in morning meetings
Skipping morning workouts because you're too tired
Less patience with your kids or partner
Not showing up the way you want to in relationships
Missing commitments because you're hungover
Work quality declining (even if no one else has noticed yet)
You don't have to lose your job or get a DUI for it to be a problem. If it's affecting your health, your relationships, or your ability to show up as the person you want to be, it's a problem.
5. You've Tried to Cut Back and Can't
What this looks like:
Multiple attempts to moderate that last a few days or weeks
Feeling frustrated with yourself for not being able to stick to your limits
Surprise at how hard it is to just "have one"
Realizing you can't imagine stopping completely
Reading articles like this one
This is the big one. If you've genuinely tried to cut back or stop and couldn't—not once, but repeatedly—you're not dealing with a willpower problem. You're dealing with a nervous system that's learned to depend on alcohol to regulate itself.
What Most People Get Wrong About "Alcoholic"
You're probably wondering: does this mean I'm an alcoholic?
Here's the truth: that question doesn't matter as much as you think it does.
"Alcoholic" is a label. What matters is: Is your relationship with alcohol causing problems in your life? Are you unable to control it the way you want to? Is it preventing you from showing up as the person you want to be?
If yes, then whether you meet some clinical definition is irrelevant. You have a problem that needs addressing.
I've worked in tech for 20 years. I've been in continuous recovery for 20 years. I've seen incredibly intelligent people spend years trying to figure out if they "qualify" as having a problem while their health, relationships, and careers slowly deteriorate.
The diagnosis doesn't matter. The impact does.
The Shame That Keeps You Stuck
The hardest part of recognizing you have a problem with alcohol is the shame.
You're not supposed to have this problem. You're successful. You're smart. You should be able to handle this. Other people drink more than you and they're fine. What's wrong with you that you can't just moderate like a normal person?
This shame keeps you isolated. It keeps you hiding. It keeps you trying to manage it alone while getting progressively worse.
But here's what shame doesn't tell you: substance use problems don't discriminate based on intelligence, success, or willpower. They're about nervous system dysregulation, not character flaws.
What Actually Works
Recognizing you have a problem is step one.
Step two: understanding that if you could have fixed this on your own, you already would have. You're smart enough. You're disciplined enough in other areas of your life. This isn't a problem that logic solves.
What doesn't work:
Trying harder to moderate (you've tried this)
Waiting until you "hit bottom" (you don't have to lose everything)
Shame and self-criticism (this makes it worse)
Isolating and trying to figure it out alone
What does work:
Getting support from people who understand this
Addressing the underlying nervous system dysregulation
Learning other ways to manage stress and regulate emotions
Sometimes, getting completely sober (even if that feels impossible right now)
Therapy that addresses both the substance use and what's driving it
Sobriety Without Addressing the Underneath
Here's something important: stopping drinking is necessary, but it's not sufficient.
I've been sober for 20 years. The first few years were about not drinking. The years after that were about addressing why I was drinking in the first place—the anxiety, the trauma, the inability to regulate my emotions, the patterns I was stuck in.
Sobriety alone can leave you "dry but still miserable." The work is figuring out what you were using alcohol to manage, and developing healthier ways to address those underlying issues.
That's the work that changes everything.
What Your Drinking Might Be Telling You
Your relationship with alcohol might be pointing to something deeper:
Unmanaged anxiety or depression
Burnout you haven't acknowledged
Trauma you haven't processed
A nervous system that's been in overdrive for so long you don't remember what calm feels like
Stress levels that are genuinely unsustainable
The drinking is a symptom. It's also making everything worse—the anxiety, the depression, the stress, the dysregulation. It's a vicious cycle.
Breaking that cycle requires addressing both the substance use and what's underneath it.
You Don't Have to Wait Until It Gets Worse
One of the biggest myths about substance use problems: you have to hit rock bottom before you can get help.
You don't.
You don't have to lose your job. You don't have to get a DUI. You don't have to destroy your marriage. You don't have to wake up in a hospital.
You can get help right now, when the main sign is that you're drinking more than you want to and you can't seem to stop.
That's enough. That's reason enough.
What Happens Next
If you're reading this and recognizing yourself, you have options.
You can keep trying to manage it alone. You can keep revising the rules and hoping this time will be different. You can wait and see if it gets better on its own.
Or you can acknowledge that this is a problem you can't think your way out of, and get support.
I created this practice for people who look like they have it together but are struggling with patterns they can't break alone. After 20 years in recovery and 20 years in tech, I understand what it's like to be high-functioning and falling apart at the same time.
The work addresses both the substance use and what's driving it including the anxiety, the stress, the trauma, the nervous system stuck in overdrive. Because getting sober without addressing what's underneath just leaves you white-knuckling through life.
You don't have to do this alone. And you don't have to wait until everything falls apart.
Ready to Talk About What's Actually Happening?
Let's have a 15-minute conversation about what you're dealing with and what might help.
We'll talk about:
What's been hardest for you
Whether this is something you need to address
What getting help might actually look like
Whether we're a good fit to work together
No judgment. No pressure. Just an honest conversation.
The hardest part is reaching out. After that, we'll figure it out together.
About the Author
Christan Mercurio, AMFT
Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist
20 Years in Tech | 20 Years in Recovery
Registration No. AMFT 156566
Supervised by: Harry Motro, Psy.D., MFT, P.C., CA License: MFC 53452 and Jennifer Lynn Weise, LMFT #90891
Contact:
📧 cm@christanmercurio.com
📞 (669) 240-0319
Serving San Jose, Campbell, Los Gatos, Willow Glen, Almaden Valley, Saratoga, Silicon Valley, and Santa Clara County
